Rather, I feel like there is a large hump directly in front of me.

While the terms thinking and acting are not mutually exclusive, given that these terms represent somewhat opposing points on a philosophical scale I would be severely lop-sided.  In fact, I’ve just attempted to write that last sentence no less than seven separate times and I’m still not completely satisfied.

It is very much the case that I have a love-hate relationship with my pensive persona.  Thinking is an activity I highly recommend and I feel that if more of us did so (particularly before opening our mouths) more of us would be better off.  However, I also recognize that there is a great barrier that a thoughtful person has to overcome: inaction.  The inaction barrier keeps pens glued to the thoughtful person’s hand and buttocks glued to the thoughtful person’s chair.  ”Brilliance cannot be rushed!” is the justification that we thoughtful people like to invoke but, for me at least, this I feel like this inaction simply became me.  I didn’t choose to sit on the philosopher’s stone – rather circumstances plopped me down there and I haven’t been bothered to move since.

If you have been around here long enough, you may remember my thoughts on “active vs passive” – great lessons taught to me be a therapist somewhere along the way. Essentially, the discussion is summed up by saying that an active life is one in when you try to alter the circumstances to suit your spirit, and the passive life is when the circumstances alter you to suit them.

I am a thinker no because my spirit declared it so, but because I succumbed to a set of circumstances.  These “circumstances” have firmly fixed an inaction barrier in front of me made up of a combination of fear, a lack of confidence, laziness, and confusion.  I’m generally fearful of the unknown.  Only recently have I been able to develop any kind of baseline level of confidence that you would expect a 30 year-old man to have.  I’m not lazy, I just enjoy lingering moments of relaxation.  And, I’m not even sure where to start.

Take for example my “thoughts” about wanting to work to eradicate poverty (I’m starting small).  Of course this is no trivial matter, but let’s start this discussion assuming that I am approaching this from a neighborhood perspective – “What can I do just outside my front door?”  I have tons of thoughts on this – I’ve read about it, talked about it with other people, and wrote down some of these things.  But when it comes time to act, I almost couldn’t be bothered.  It’s not that I don’t care: I care deeply about this.  But my actions simply aren’t there – they’re practically non-existent.

Perhaps I’m thinking too practically about this.  I’m not saying that I don’t act when I see opportunities to or that I don’t seek out chances to do something.  Simply, I’m saying that more often than not, when I come home from work I’m happy to not be committed to doing something.

I have great “thoughts” that I want my life to mean something.  I want to have made an impact.  But my actions simply don’t seem to line up with this thought process.

Frankly, I don’t know where to start.  The socially-aware premise to state that it’s all about connections.  I don’t have (or don’t feel like I have) the connections to move from discussion to practical action and I don’t have the confidence to seek them out.  Right now, my fear wins out over my desire.  This is a tension-filled existence.

Granted, it could also be that I’m wired to be a thinker – I’m not arguing this.  At the end of the day, though, I want to know that the things that I did not do weren’t the result of my own justifying excuses.  If I’m not to do something great, I want it to be because otherwise I would be fighting all of the powers of creation that knit me together.

I don’t want to be beaten by the hump.

By the end of this year, I will have outlined and starting working on a book.  The topic is still very much uncertain. How I will convince somebody to actually publish this yet-to-be-conceived work is not even on my radar.

But, by the end of 2010 I will have an “outline” – not just in my head – but on paper – and will have begun the writing process.

This has been on my mind literally for years.  I sat in a leadership session once being led by McNair Wilson and during one of the activities he directed everyone in the room to write down something that they had always wanted to do but was either too afraid, or too uncertain, or too nervous to do.

I wrote (and I still have the notebook to back this up!) “Write a book.”

Other than that, at this point, I don’t have anything to share except that this blog is a part of that process – that sitting and writing – sometimes forcefully so – is critical to the completion of this goal.

So, just one month into this new year, thanks for humoring me and please stick around to see what happens next.

Luckily, neither of the goals was to describe the goals on this blog immediately after the changing of the year!

Never before have I gazed down the barrel of an approaching year and felt any kind of pressure to express who I would like to be if and when I gaze down another approaching barrel.  One thing I know is that sometime in the time that we call 2009, a transformation that has been ongoing for literally several years kicked into high gear and, consequently, I’ve been seeing the world and my interaction with in in a completely new light.

Perhaps it was senility setting in.  Perhaps it was the New Year’s cheer.

For some reason I’ve set goals for 2010.

Today, let me describe goal 1.

My first thought for my first goal of 2010 was this: Learn Spanish.  Now, after thinking through this a little, I quickly realized that I was setting myself up for certain disaster.  It’s simply too broad.  I’m 30 and I haven’t learned all of my own language yet.  I can’t conceivably learn Spanish.

It’s much like the beauty pageant contestant wanting “world peace.”  I’m not qualified to be a beauty pageant contestant.  Therefore, like, I shouldn’t have a goal that sounds, you know, like one, er whatever.

As I began to process through why I even wanted to learn Spanish in the first place. there were a couple of reasons that began to precipitate out of the mix.  I live in a city and state where the spanish-speaking population is increasing each year.  I want to be able to communicate with, work with, and enjoy the company of these new neighbors.  My favorite joint to grab Mexican food (Taqueria Mexico, South Blvd) is one of those “It’s so authentic you almost need to point to the menu” places.  I’m officially a regular there since, during my last trip, the question posed to me was “¿Three tacos?” and not “What would you like?”  I want to communicate with mi familia de Taqueria.

And I have friends in Spain who are trying very hard to learn English.  It’s much the same situation here.  I want to be able to communicate with these friends on a deeper level.

So, after much deliberation, weighing what I actually wanted to do with this language, here’s my first defined goal (maybe of my life, certainly of my 2010)….

By the end of 2010 I want to be able to carry on a basic conversation (about food, the weather, and some current events) in Spanish.

And, hopefully, not have them make fun of my horrible pronunciation!!!

It’s not a profound goal, but it’s a challenging one – especially for someone who’s early childhood education consisted of learning French instead of Spanish.  And I’ve already started the process – between bouncing words off of a few trusted friends and using a free online social system called livemocha.com, I’m out of the gates.

I’ve got six “lessons” complete.

In a few days, I’ll post about goal number 2!